A Week in the Life of a Genuine Adult

A Week in the Life of a Genuine Adult

I have been such a grown-up this week, I honestly blow myself away. Are you ready for this?

Here are seven ways I was an adult this week, and seven ways you can be one too.

Like me.

Ready?

On Saturday I Stopped Drinking and Went to Bed

You heard me. My friends stayed up until six am while I was super-responsible and called it a night at half-three. I mean, think about all the chaotic banter I missed out on by doing that. Three hours of material, gone. Because I’m a damn grown-up. I mean, I was very sleepy. Grown-ups get sleepy.

Adult points: 1

On Sunday I Made it to my midday plans

Commitment to plans is essential to adults like me, and I committed myself to a three-hour session of musical instruments. And y’know what? I was definitely there. For some reason, I was severely hungover, which doesn’t feel fair when I went to bed so early, but I made it there… and I was definitely okay as a band member.

Adult points: 2

On Monday I cancelled my appointment to give blood

Y’see, I like giving blood. I do it often. Giving blood, as well as potentially saving a life somewhere, means I can get super drunk on three pints of lager. Like, get a kebab and go home to pish in the bread-bin drunk. Giving blood cheapens my whole night. However, on Monday, I woke up and sneezed. Can’t give blood if I’m not well! AW NAW. Sadly, it was the grown-up thing to do. I’d be a terrible adult if I went to give blood when my plasma’s all full of germs. I was really upset about it as I looked out into the rain. I nearly cried into my delicious cereal.

Adult points: 3

On Tuesday I Went to the Doctor

That’s right. I went to a doctor. Is there anything more grown-up than arranging an appointment with your physician? No. It was my first appointment with this physician because I refused to change from my old one in the area I haven’t lived in the past five years. Let me tell you something, straight from experience, when you go to a doctor that’s understaffed and overcrowded in an out-of-the-way spot like Alexandria and tell them that you travelled ninety minutes for an appointment, they do not like it. At all. I don’t understand why; I thought loyalty was important. Apparently, I’m using up appointments that people who ‘actually live in the area’ (or whatever) could have. Pft. Fuck them. I have a new doctor anyway. They gave me a lovely leaflet about ear wax and believed me when I said I was a moderate drinker.

Adult points: 4

On Wednesday I had a Milkshake

Healthy eating is important to an adult. I make sure to keep my diet balanced. So, as an aside to my twenty-box of chicken nuggets (for the protein), I also had a large vanilla milkshake.

Milkshakes are healthy. Why do you think all the boys were brought to the yard because of them? These virile young men were looking for the latest fad to keep them in shape and impress impressionable young dames. How do you think they got to the yard? They probably ran. Running is healthy.

I had a milkshake on Wednesday.

Adult points: 5

On Thursday I Went to the Gym

Yes, you heard me. I went to the gym. Maintaining a healthy fitness routine is crucial for adulting. As an adult, I make sure to go to the gym three times per week. Is it fun? Rarely. Sometimes I forget things like towels and need to dry myself with my bottoms. No big. It’s not like I enjoy lifting something onto my shoulders that’s ultimately too heavy to lift off. I mean. It’s okay to just stand there in the middle of the gym with a weight on my shoulders, unsure if I’ll ever be able to return to a time where my shoulders were light and lovely. It’s okay, though. I’m an adult. And adults definitely do not openly cry in the showers. Or occasionally feel a broad sense of penis envy at some of the old gentlemen swinging it around the locker rooms.

I’m an adult.

Adult points: 6

Tonight I’m going to a poker night

Losing money in the pursuit of money is basically the definition of being an adult.

Adult points: 7

How adult were you this week?

Let me know on Twitter, Facebook or the comments below. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter, Facebook and also the comments below. Also, if you have anything else to say, say it on Twitter, Facebook and also the comments below.

Here’s last week’s blog where I try to be helpful – a stark contrast to my week, I know.

And, in a very cool development, a book I wrote call Grim is currently FREE on Amazon. It’s so FREE that I actually hit NUMBER ONE on the top 100 dark comedy titles on Amazon. You need to get in on this, here’s the link: CLICK ME TO ACCESS A FREE BESTSELLER.

‘til next week!

It’s Gavin

 

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